Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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