The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
