Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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