you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
