The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
