Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
