i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
