ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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