dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
