Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
