I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
