At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
