During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
