At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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