Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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