i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
