There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
