I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
