i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
