hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
