just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
