He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
