Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
