I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize