you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
