Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
