Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
