I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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