Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
