I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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