I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
