Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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