He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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