My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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