Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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