If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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