I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
