Will you blow on my dice?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I FOUND THE LEGS
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
