the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
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