Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
