I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
