I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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