I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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