Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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