Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
