dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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