BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
