booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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