I wanna bring you to show and tell
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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