Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
