we're chasing vodka with high fives
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
