I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize