I can text with my tongue
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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