It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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