would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
