Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
