I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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