I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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